It Is Your Business

This month we are focusing some attention on the issue of Domestic Violence in our county.

We've learned a lot about this issue over the last few weeks thanks to those who work with it everyday spending some time on the air with me sharing information that could help someone out there who may think they are stuck in a situation they are powerless to change.

What have we learned?

This is an issue of power and control not anger. Those who engage in relationships like these tend to come from family backgrounds that leads them to believe that it is normal to use controlling behavior that in the beginning can be quite subtle but can quickly escalate.

There is a definable pattern of behavior in those who think this is acceptable. Long periods of devotion and a stated desire to make things better followed by what can be a sudden reversal that can lead to battering. The pattern then repeats. Women being battered stay in those relationships because they believe that guy is just having a bad time, or are more worried about the economic effect of leaving a bread-winner and the impact that may have on their children or themselves. Friends and family members who see this going on may say something and in many cases the woman involved excuses the behavior. They live for the good times and ignore the bad.
Someone who is in this situation may even think it's normal. Often they believe that they are responsible for their partner's behavior. Self-worth is a major component in this issue.

Since we started this on air discussion I have been contacted by women who have been in this kind of situation. They tell me that it's important to understand that getting out from under the cycle of domestic violence isn't easy. There is great fear. Fear of the state taking the children away, fear of ending up on the welfare roles, fear of living in shelters and never getting out, fear of what friends, family and business associates may think. Fear of the stigma attached to being a battered woman. Those who do the battering play on these fears and others even during the "good times".

Often these women have no money of their own. Everything they have of value is in the name of the person controlling their life. Counseling is okay, they say but real help to get out and stay out of a bad situation is limited. While it's true that after a long process the courts may direct the offending party to provide child support, for example, reports are that payments are few and far between. Sometimes the court order is ignored altogether. In the case of single mothers whose boy friend is the offender he often pays nothing to mitigate for those years of abuse.

Those women who do get away and rebuild their lives from scratch can end up having the offender stalk them for years. Nothing may happen as a result of this behavior but the victim lives with the idea that they are being watched by someone who did them harm.

It is also true that even when the court issues an order designed to keep that attacker away, some women end up returning to that person and that same situation out of the mistaken belief that things have changed.

These factors combine to paint what might be a hopeless picture until you consider the fact that everyday women find the courage to get out. I don't offer these facts to make it seem impossible but instead to inform those like me who have had no experience with this issue on any level.

I want you to understand what it takes for someone who is a victim of domestic violence to leave what they have and the courage it takes to do so. Domestic violence isn't reserved to the poor, or the uneducated. It is found in every segment of society regardless of financial wherewithal or social standing. Part of the solution comes in understanding this and beginning to think differently about the issue.

If you suspect a case of domestic violence you should report it the same way you would report any other crime. Call the police. You are not sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. It is your business. When we as a society begin to view this as a crime against a person instead of some acceptable form of private bickering between a couple we also begin to think differently about the victims. By reporting this you are letting the professionals do their job. I'm not asking you to get personally involved in contacting the couple anymore than I would suggest you try to stop an armed robbery or assault but we do report those things don't we? Why should this be any different?